Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Get advice and feedback on your personal statement.
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letsallbehappy

Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by letsallbehappy » Mon Sep 13, 2021 6:18 pm

Would anyone be willing to give me feedback on my personal statement? Current stats 3.78, 178; applying to T14, hoping for a shot at T6. GPA is low, fingers crossed a good personal statement will help me make up for being a splitter. New 2021 medians has like most of the T14 with 3.9ish median GPAs. For background, I'm currently an Army reserve officer. I'll delete this soon for anonymity purposes. Please do not quote:

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ymmv
pregnant with a better version of myself
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Re: Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by ymmv » Mon Sep 13, 2021 7:16 pm

Honestly, the statement looks like it's in great shape to me. It's a little long yet well-written, an interesting read, and does all the things a personal statement is traditionally supposed to do. "Global constitutionalism, national security law, and comparative constitutionalism" aren't real-world practice areas, but I don't think that matters either. The statement draws a clear path from your personal background and ideology to political career ambitions for which law school makes sense.

You could trim a few sentences and wordy phrases down; substitute "policy makers must" for "it is also imperative that policy makers," for instance. Maybe run it through Grammarly or ProWritingAid for similar suggestions. Otherwise no substantive notes from me.

Between this, your excellent LSAT score, and a solid GPA you should see a lot of T14 acceptances.

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haus
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Re: Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by haus » Mon Sep 13, 2021 11:06 pm

I agree with ymmv, this seems to cover the ground that you need for a statement.

I had Grammarly turned on when I reviewed this in Google Docs and there were only 7 items that it flagged none of it worth getting excited about.

For what it is worth this is the advice provided by the software:

1. gun fire -> gunfire
2. Bravo -> the Bravo (please do not follow this advise)
3. and I with a safe home -> and me with a safe home
4. driving factor in my life, (suggested removing the comma)
5. policy makers -> policymakers
6. squad sized -> squad-sized
7. use leadership -> use the leadership

Story
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Re: Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by Story » Tue Sep 14, 2021 2:06 pm

Really good. Great theme and substance. Just review it or have a good editor-friend review it for grammar, usage, etc. You want to just tighten up those things so they won’t distract the readers.

A few quick things I saw (not a thorough grammar review):

The first part of a sentence is a dangling modifier. “Commissioning” is not a child of immigrants.

“my sister and I”

Change to “sister and me.”

Maybe change servant leader to servant-leader.

imacupcake
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Re: Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by imacupcake » Fri Sep 17, 2021 12:13 am

OP here! I made an account. Thanks so much for all the feedback everyone. Anyone else have any other thoughts?

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pancakes3
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Re: Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by pancakes3 » Fri Sep 17, 2021 10:17 am

I think it's well written, and a great PS as well. I would change this bit:
But it was not an easy journey. As the only Chinese American out of 111 candidates in my company, I had often been discounted by my peers. Many viewed me from the “model minority” stereotype, assuming that I primarily excelled academically and that I lacked physical and leadership abilities. This, however, did not faze me.
While I get what you're trying to convey, as a transition to the next paragraph of your hardship and motivation to push through, you can change:

"Many of them saw me as a "model minority" who excels in academics but lack physical and leadership abilities." (just cutting down words)

and

"This, however did not faze me" -> something else. I don't think "this did not faze me" accurately describes your journey. While true that you were not fazed, it did impact you, and your next paragraph describes how you were able to overcome the biases, by drawing upon your inner strength.

Also, I think you can change your last sentence. to me, it reads as the most generic sentence in the entire statement (not that it's bad, just not as good as the rest). Do you have specific career goals?
As a lawyer and advocate, I may no longer be conducting squad sized flank assaults, but I intend to use leadership and grit I’ve developed from the military to promote the rule of law in the U.S., China, and abroad.
I'm not going to presume to tell you what to write, but if you've got some time, think about rewriting this sentence also.

personal note: as a grandchild of nationalist emigrants to Taiwan myself, your PS really resonates with me.

imacupcake
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Re: Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by imacupcake » Fri Nov 12, 2021 1:29 am

OP here. Can mods delete my original post/essay? I appreciate everyone's feedback. Just wanted it to be removed now. Thank you.

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Danger Zone
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Re: Please give me feedback on my personal statement

Post by Danger Zone » Fri Nov 12, 2021 7:12 am

imacupcake wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 1:29 am
OP here. Can mods delete my original post/essay? I appreciate everyone's feedback. Just wanted it to be removed now. Thank you.
Done

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