Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Get advice and feedback on your personal statement.
Post Reply
Baguette
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2020 12:53 pm

Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by Baguette » Wed Jul 08, 2020 1:06 pm

Would love to know what strangers think of this. At 515 words I think I need to bulk it up just a little bit. Please don't quote large portions. Thanks!

Spoiler:
[hidden for now]
Last edited by Baguette on Fri Jul 17, 2020 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
RichardMilhousNixon
Posts: 59
Joined: Tue Jan 30, 2018 4:17 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by RichardMilhousNixon » Wed Jul 08, 2020 3:00 pm

I think this is a great start and you write very well. My main objection, though, is that I learn almost nothing about you reading this (except that you like cooking, poetry, and details, and spent some time working at a law firm). A personal statement is perhaps your only opportunity to introduce yourself to the adcomms - to tell them who you are, why you want to go to law school, what makes you unique, and give them an idea of how you, because of your background, life experience, and unique perspective, can contribute to the law school's entering class. This can take many forms and doesn't need to (and shouldn't be) rehashing of your resume. But I would heavily modify this to make it focused much more on your own personal story.

Baguette
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2020 12:53 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by Baguette » Thu Jul 09, 2020 10:53 am

RichardMilhousNixon wrote:
Wed Jul 08, 2020 3:00 pm
Thanks!! By story, do you mean more a narrative "how I got here/here's where it all started" sort of thread? I've been resisting that sort of structure because it's so hard to fit into 2-3 pages.

User avatar
Nony
Posts: 7457
Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:34 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by Nony » Thu Jul 09, 2020 11:54 am

I liked the pork and poetry bits, and this is very well written, but I’m not sure if it comes together at the end. I think “I know I will enjoy law because of this unrelated experience” is always a tricky approach in a PS. It’s true in that it’s what you believe (and being interested in law bc you like digging into tiny details is actually not a terrible reason and so much better than because you like to argue or such), but it doesn’t always match up to reality in the end and can sound a bit naive. I’m not sure that’s really happening here, but the “I could make valuable contributions” bit feels really tacked on (here are paragraphs of my interest in details/methodology, and oh, I will do good as well).

Then more to the previous comment, the discussion of poetry, while well written and insightful, is more like an argument you’re making about poetry than something really about you. Do you write poetry or write about poetry or love to read it? Can you connect your observations to your experiences? (I’m also not sure driving stick actually does require deliberate action, except when you’re first coming to it from driving an automatic. It becomes second nature and unthinking. But it does require more steps/makes those steps obvious and not hidden, so the analogy’s not wrong.)

User avatar
pancakes3
Posts: 4857
Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by pancakes3 » Thu Jul 09, 2020 12:58 pm

you'd be better served by picking either cooking or poetry for the purposes of writing a PS. cooking is the safer topic.

User avatar
RichardMilhousNixon
Posts: 59
Joined: Tue Jan 30, 2018 4:17 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by RichardMilhousNixon » Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:04 pm

Baguette wrote:
Thu Jul 09, 2020 10:53 am
RichardMilhousNixon wrote:
Wed Jul 08, 2020 3:00 pm
Thanks!! By story, do you mean more a narrative "how I got here/here's where it all started" sort of thread? I've been resisting that sort of structure because it's so hard to fit into 2-3 pages.
Not necessarily making it into a narrative format, but weaving in more aspects of who you are and your life story into what you're writing. I think you could, for example, take one of the themes you discuss here - say, your interest in cooking / love of details in cooking, elaborate on it, and connect it to your own life and make it more personal. You're not going to be able to mention every part of who you are/how you got there, but you should bring in key things about you that are important and giving the adcomms a general sense of who you are and how you got to where you are. It's hard to give specific advice on what and how because this can take many, many forms.

User avatar
Slytherpuff
Posts: 4730
Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:08 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by Slytherpuff » Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:40 pm

Why don't you try to just focus the statement on cooking, add in a little extra detail tying that to your current work in big law (or why you want to be a lawyer), and then see how that looks? I agree with pancakes that dropping the poetry bit is the way to go.

User avatar
Nony
Posts: 7457
Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:34 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by Nony » Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:44 pm

I actually like drawing the parallels between cooking and poetry, and get that the point is to show something that unites the OP’s different passions. I just think the poetry part needs to be personalized more.

User avatar
pancakes3
Posts: 4857
Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by pancakes3 » Thu Jul 09, 2020 4:34 pm

it could work but (1) it doesn't work now; (2) it'd take a good bit of work to transform the essay as written to one where it works; and (3) even if it does work, it isn't enough to move the needle THAT much to justify the effort. much easier to just focus on delivering a well written PS relating cooking and taking delight in the details.

i also don't think it was "to your dismay" to find that other people had different approaches in appreciating what is ostensibly the same hobby.

User avatar
Nony
Posts: 7457
Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:34 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by Nony » Thu Jul 09, 2020 4:41 pm

Eh, I think a PS just on cooking has high potential to be boring. I agree it doesn’t work now, but Baguette has plenty of time to rewrite. It’s rewriting a brief essay, it’s not THAT much work.

Baguette
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2020 12:53 pm

Re: Personal statement (I didn't go with D&D)

Post by Baguette » Fri Jul 10, 2020 12:33 pm

Thank you all very much for the input! I think I understand the critique, and am going to rewrite a lot of this to work around those issues. The exciting thing about cutting is creating new room for new content!!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests