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Personal Statement help

Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 12:40 am
by camf2
I think I have a decent start to a PS, someone give me some feedback?

Checking my watch for the third time in the last five minutes, I noticed I was inching closer and closer to being late for work. “She’s all yours, take care and if there are any problems, call me anytime,” Jane says. I jumped into my new-to-me car and headed to job number two of the day. When I got to the ball field, I parked where I could keep a close eye on my pretty seafoam convertible while I worked from the concessions stand the rest of the night. I was beaming on Cloud nine, I was working three jobs to finally afford my very first car, and it was finally paying off. Sharing a truck with my mom had become a beautifully orchestrated dance routine every day, and only grew more complex as I added more jobs to my already brimming schedule. I was so thankful to finally be able to give my mom her freedom back.
My prideful joy was cut short within two months, I was burning the candle at both ends for an entire week, and was working a full Saturday schedule, 8AM to 4PM at the pizza shop, and then 5PM to 3AM bartending. The bar I worked at offered free rides home from the bar, security operated the van, but John wasn’t always thrilled that he had to drive the van at night. He refused to take the last few patrons home from the bar, some of which were acquaintances of mine, so I gave them a ride home after I finished closing…in my own personal vehicle.
After I dropped them off, I was on my way back into town….and the next thing I remembered was opening my eyes to driving across the five lane, I immediately slammed on brakes as my tires transitioned from the pavement to the dirt road. I attempted to maneuver the car to a safe stop and hit a dead end sign on my passenger side of my car---damaging the fender, bumper, mirror, and headlight before coming to a halt. I had fallen asleep while driving. I called my mom and law enforcement, and then the following morning I called my manager to let her know what happened. My job did nothing, and John did nothing. I was heartbroken, something I worked so hard for was ruined at the hands of my own choice to try and do the right thing.

Re: Personal Statement help

Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:12 pm
by pancakes3
this was a confusing read. i don't know what point you're trying to make.

- "Jane" and John" are distracting and unnecessary. "saleswoman" and "bouncer" are more descriptive and distractingly force the reader to wonder who Jane and John are
- lots of run-on sentences
- ball field is weird phrasing
- "some of whom"
- don't use ellipses
- the 5 lane highway

Re: Personal Statement help

Posted: Thu May 14, 2020 10:02 pm
by icechicken
I'm not sure this makes the point you think it does. Driving drunkards home is noble in a vacuum, but doing it after a 19-hour workday is irresponsible. You could have killed people that night. And while you do a good job explaining how much that convertible meant to you personally, it's still just a car. If you'd bought a more modest one, you wouldn't have had to work three different jobs. Are we supposed to feel pity after reading this? Admiration? My initial reaction is "oh, cool, nothing actually bad happened. I hope he was able to get the fender replaced eventually."

This PS would be a lot more sympathetic with an Act III about how you grew as a result of this experience. I also agree with pancakes' comments.