New to this forum. PS review help

Get advice and feedback on your personal statement.
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BLHB1234
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New to this forum. PS review help

Post by BLHB1234 » Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:32 pm

(P.S removed)
Last edited by BLHB1234 on Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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ymmv
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by ymmv » Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:36 pm

If you're posting from a burner account anyway, why not just post the statement here and ask folks not to quote it? You'll probably get a lot more feedback that way than through private message solicitations.

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pancakes3
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by pancakes3 » Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:44 pm

.
Last edited by pancakes3 on Wed Nov 06, 2019 8:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BLHB1234
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by BLHB1234 » Wed Nov 06, 2019 8:08 pm

Thank you both. I did initially want to do that but i saw the following in the FAQs "please note that normal users cannot delete a post once someone has replied." So I was not sure if I would ever be able to take it down once posted. If that is an option I would absolutely be willing to post the statement.

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pancakes3
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by pancakes3 » Wed Nov 06, 2019 8:18 pm

BLHB1234 wrote:
Wed Nov 06, 2019 8:08 pm
Thank you both. I did initially want to do that but i saw the following in the FAQs "please note that normal users cannot delete a post once someone has replied." So I was not sure if I would ever be able to take it down once posted. If that is an option I would absolutely be willing to post the statement.
The post itself won't be deleted but you can go back and edit the content (effectively deleting your post). However if someone quoted you, you can't edit the quoted and have to ask the person who quoted you to clear out the quoted content.

See my post above as to how I edited it to clear out the content but the post remains.
See also this post as to how you can't edit "your words" bc someone else quoted you.

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ymmv
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by ymmv » Wed Nov 06, 2019 8:25 pm

Mods also tend to enforce any reasonable “please don’t quote” request.

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Danger Zone
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by Danger Zone » Thu Nov 07, 2019 7:52 am

I can confirm the above two posts 👍 We’re here to help!

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UVA2B
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by UVA2B » Thu Nov 07, 2019 8:53 am

I thought this was a really good PS, so congratulations on that!

I will give a few suggestions that might help with the length, but understand that I don't think these cuts are necessary, but they can be done without sacrificing your overall narrative.

The first is strictly a language issue I think (not saying your command of English is bad, but it's just an easy cut out), but it won't save you that much. You use the word "that" too often. For instance, in the first paragraph, you could just as easily say "myriad opportunities the United States offered and basked..." That's just an example, but there are a few more instances throughout where you could reasonably cut it out and the message remains the same (and arguably stronger).

On that note, not all of the flow of your writing is perfect, so you can likely clean that up as well. Try reading the sentence describing forgoing urgent care to pay for uniforms, etc. There are internal tense issues that need to be cleaned up.

Now, where I think you can save real space is in the substantive telling of your story. All matters of editing above will only save on the margins.

While your entire narrative is coherent (and compelling!), it arguably lacks focus in how you approach your narrative. These are all my opinion, so take them for what they are worth and with an appropriate grain of salt. The intro paragraph is good because it establishes the lens through which you see your world, and that frames the rest of the narrative well. Then you proceed to describe experiencing the transition to the US, and focus on your experiences with the health care system, contrasting it with where you came from. Then you discuss coming to grips with the shortcomings you saw in the US health care system and how it wasn't necessarily that different from where you came from, but you couch it in a sense of some grander issue of equality. Finally, you go into your studies to understand how health care is a human right, and discuss your senior thesis within that understanding. Why I think this lacks focus is because you tend to restart your narrative in each paragraph with a grand, sweeping idea that you then apply back to the narrative you originally want to push. "For the majority of my life, equality was..." and "Health care is a human right..." are really big and ambiguous ways to start any paragraph, and while what you write after does fit into those statements, it wouldn't hurt at all to focus these paragraphs a little better by cutting down on the grandiose and focusing on the concrete and impactful. Focus directly on how your experiences in US health care opened your eyes to the inequities and issues in health care, how that fits into your history and your experience, and how that has fueled your passion in that field and its relation to law. Framed that way, you might be able to cut down on the level of depth you discuss in each topic, and thereby cut down on the overall length while maintaining the focus and impact of your theme.

All of this is merely something to consider, and you can use what I've said how you see fit. I hope your editing goes well, and please feel free to reach out if you have any questions about what I've said or the advice I gave. And I'm happy to edit this later at your request since I do use some of your statement's language and themes in giving advice.

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pancakes3
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by pancakes3 » Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:44 am

first off, really great PS. and i'm basically echoing all of UVa's points here but:

- I don't think you need much in the way of editing but if you're concerned about length, there are definitely still ways to trim the fat.

- I get the narrative you're trying to paint in the second paragraph but if you're looking for stuff to cut, i would start there. the last sentence seems the easiest to cut without losing any of the point you're conveying.

- I also agree w UVA's points that (1) you can rearrange your sentences to cut down word count and increase clarity, and (2) there's a lot of needless prefacing of impactful statements with "grandiose" generalities that could easily be cut

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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by Guest » Thu Nov 07, 2019 4:33 pm

Thank you both so much for all your input. This is very helpful. I will work on cutting down the length using these suggestions and will post a revised draft at a later time.

Thanks again!

BLHB1234
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Re: New to this forum. PS review help

Post by BLHB1234 » Thu Nov 07, 2019 4:36 pm

Thank you both so much for your input. This is very helpful. I will work on cutting it down using these suggestions and will post a revised draft at a later time.

Thanks again!

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