by Pickles312 » Sun Sep 27, 2020 12:30 pm
Alright, I came up with a second draft. It probably still doesn't quite get where I need it to be, but I'm hoping it's a start. Only the second half is noticeably changed. I tried to steer the thesis away from guilt and my high school actions. Instead, I tried to focus on how I've been able to grow over time by learning from how my grandmother lived. I'm still not sure it focuses on me enough, or the story is connected enough, or it says enough about me being prepared for law school. But I'm hoping I'm on the right track.
Obviously I don't want to keep asking people to read my drafts over and over like this is a workshop, so this is the last time I'll post one.
[Removed for Privacy]
Edit: Thinking of replacing the final paragraph with this, so it steers more to my level of readiness rather than just being a generic conclusion:
"That is the same attitude I will bring with me as I enter law school. With my grandmother as my example, I have been able to develop into a student and person she would be proud of. I am fully ready to be an active and successful contributor to this academic and profession community."
Alright, I came up with a second draft. It probably still doesn't quite get where I need it to be, but I'm hoping it's a start. Only the second half is noticeably changed. I tried to steer the thesis away from guilt and my high school actions. Instead, I tried to focus on how I've been able to grow over time by learning from how my grandmother lived. I'm still not sure it focuses on me enough, or the story is connected enough, or it says enough about me being prepared for law school. But I'm hoping I'm on the right track.
Obviously I don't want to keep asking people to read my drafts over and over like this is a workshop, so this is the last time I'll post one.
[Removed for Privacy]
Edit: Thinking of replacing the final paragraph with this, so it steers more to my level of readiness rather than just being a generic conclusion:
"That is the same attitude I will bring with me as I enter law school. With my grandmother as my example, I have been able to develop into a student and person she would be proud of. I am fully ready to be an active and successful contributor to this academic and profession community."